Hi! Hello! My name is Sammy, thanks for joining me and I hope you’ll stay a while!
I’m writing this post to introduce myself and share with you how journaling changed my life. I should mention, there may be some lines in here that will make some people feel uncomfortable, specifically those who have struggled with eating disorders or body image. **Continue on, if you feel ready.** First, we have to go back to the year 2020- known for many as the year of the pandemic. But for me, it was also the year that I woke up to so much of myself. For as long as I could remember, I had always wanted to lose weight… Was I ever overweight you may be wondering? Nope. Surely I was bullied as a child for being chubby? Also, no. Did my parents insist that I ‘better be careful or else I may get fat’? Surprisingly…never. In fact, my obsession around weight seemed to go fairly unnoticed as a child and adolescent- unnoticed even to myself. I had always wanted to lose weight in the sense that I had always felt I needed to lose weight. It was just a part of my reality. It was so obvious to me, it didn’t need to be said out loud. I weighed myself regularly- attaching different meanings to arbitrary numbers subconsciously. If I was above a certain number, the number had to drop. If I was below a certain number, I knew I was ‘in the clear’ (at least for now). I never found these habits or mannerisms to be abnormal until one specific day. I was eating my pre-packed, cut up celery for lunch in front of a coworker, expressing how I was allowing myself to 'eat only vegetables during the day’. Looking back, my calm and cavalier tone probably added an essence of uneasiness that went right over my head. I received some odd and concerned looks, but I shrugged it off as pity. I’m sure people assumed I didn’t like eating only vegetables throughout my day. But...that wasn’t the case. I actually did like it. No- I loved it. That feeling of being light and hydrated, knowing that nothing I had eaten would change the number on the scale, allowing me to ‘remain in the clear’ all day- it was fool proof! I would simply stay the same weight forever, and everything would be okay! *Insert sarcastic (but loving and non-judgemental) tone*. As I continued working closely with the aforementioned coworker, we became incredibly close. Over time, she started to gently inquire about my eating habits (without ever coming across as judgemental, or overly concerned). I began casually opening up about the magic numbers that I obeyed religiously (still unaware of my disordered eating mentality). As we talked, I mentioned memories from my childhood and the patterns I had observed as well as repeated. For months, off and on we discussed these routines and ‘quirks’ of mine and where they may have originated from. Eventually, and with the most compassionate tone available, she (my now BFF) said to me, ‘Sam, I don’t know if anyone has ever said this to you before, but you have an eating disorder’. Somehow, I simultaneously stared directly at her and off into the distance. In that moment I shrugged it off. Well that just wasn’t true. I had never been hospitalized for being underweight, I had always eaten food of some sort (except during my extended 48 hour fasts), and I was never given such a diagnosis by my family doctor. It just simply was. not. true. I didn’t know how to respond in the moment, and she told me I didn’t need to say anything. I processed this statement for a while. The process went something like this: immediate denial, mild anger/ feeling judged, beginning to question myself, a bit of relief, and finally, an acceptance (to some degree). At this point, I took a deep-dive into my mind. I started to get curious, challenge my beliefs and ask myself ‘why?’. This is when I began discovering the power of the journal; not yet realizing the significant role it would truly play. In the beginning, I had no clue what I should write. I hadn’t written since 2005 when I was secretly opening up to my diary about whichever boy I was crushing on that week. How does one journal? What do they talk about and who are they talking to anyways? But, I had heard good things… and with my newly discovered trauma, who was I to judge what would work and what wouldn’t? I was eager to sort out the chaos inside of my brain. I sat down by myself one evening, sitting by some dimly-lit candles- ‘gotta have the right vibe’ I remember thinking. And, I started to write. I didn’t plan what I would say, but somehow the words poured out of me. As I’m writing this, I know that it is a straight-up cliché, but the words literally fell onto the paper. Looking back, I like to visualize that it was my higher-self taking my hand and gently guiding me onto the path of healing. My subconscious mind was begging to be seen, screaming at me on the inside through strange habits and unsustainable ideologies. That night I wrote out all my feelings towards food, childhood mindsets, my parents and anything else that I could think of that might be related. I had questions, and I was finally taking the first step towards finding my answers. Though objectively this may not seem significant, taking this initial step and digging deeper into my mind through the tool of journaling quite literally set me on a completely different path. I started to notice things about myself that I had deemed ‘uncomfortable, but normal’ and wondered if this had to remain my reality. For so long, I had come to accept that everyone must feel this way and live their entire lives overthinking while existing unhappily in their own bodies- ‘c’est la vie’ am I right? No. I was SO wrong. And let me tell you, I have never been happier to be so wrong about anything. I kept up with the journaling. It was my few moments of peace each day where things started to feel right. I wasn’t using logic or invalidating my past experiences- I was simply writing. Writing from my soul, writing from my wounded body- whatever you want to call it, I was writing from a completely different perspective and it felt liberating. I was writing things I hadn’t even (consciously) thought of before. Reading over my journal entries was like having a conversation with someone I’d never met. But, it provided much insight into my mind and I was eternally grateful. Maybe I could change these beliefs. Maybe my daily activities no longer had to be ruled by some silly numbers made up by some guy hundreds of years ago. Maybe, I could even learn to accept these parts of myself through compassion and understanding, rather than choosing to suppress my behaviors and claiming to be ‘perfectly fine’ all of the time. Of course, I was not nor am I ‘fully healed’ and over my eating disorder. I still struggle, it never has completely dissolved. But I believe this is an ever-evolving process with life strategically triggering our deepest wounds to encourage more growth. Since that day in 2020, I have never stopped journaling and I don’t plan to anytime soon. Throughout this blog, you will find my personal, raw journal entries that will (hopefully) offer you comfort, inspiration and a sense of belonging. You will find tips and tricks that I’ve discovered on my journey and that you are more than welcome to integrate. I will be sharing MANY journal prompts because who doesn’t like a good prompt to get you going sometimes am I right? I will also share mindful and visualization activities that I incorporate regularly, as well as strategies that I have used (and still use) as I work on loving my body every day. There will be blogs discussing the benefits of journaling, gratitude, self-love practices and SO much more. I hope if you connected with this story in some shape or form that you will sit down, get comfortable and stick around a while. Your Journality is waiting and I am so excited that you’re here.
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AuthorGrateful to share my love for journaling with the world and the Journality community. |